The Secret Part One

I am writing this more as a journal for Ky and the new one--yes that is right--the new one. I am not going to publish this until later--but I wanted to have some record...

So yes---I am pregnant with baby number 2. Rob and I had been talking about this and planning for a while, but once again I just wasn't ready for it to happen this fast. I thought I would have more time for mental preparation. So yup, I missed the monthly, but I told Rob that I didn't think I was pregnant. After all we had just started trying...


With Kylan--I knew a week before I missed. I remember being outside painting and feeling the pain of my shirt against my skin (which was weird) and then mood swings. I remember I just had the craziest outburst over nothing--and that was when I realized that I wasn't myself--and I knew. I kept it to myself until the day of my expected period. I was in tears, I was panicked, I was scared--and kept it all from Rob. Finally the day of, I broke down in his arms and told him. I told him I didn't think it would happen this fast (yeah I should have remembered this before number 2) and I wasn't sure I was ready--but now we had no choice. Everything was going to be changed forever!


Rob said he needed physical proof and he wanted me to pee on the stick. So I did and left it in the bathroom for him to look at. I didn't need to see it. Sure enough--there was evidence of little Kylan. WOW!

So number 2---I didn't have the same chest pains or mood swings. I did feel a little nauseous once or twice, but it's flu season--and I was hardly ever nauseous with Kylan. So I missed and then waited for it to come. I told Rob, I really don't think I am pregnant. Finally--I needed to know. I wanted to do some painting---and if I was pregnant, it would not be a good idea for me to paint. So while Rob was at work and Ky was eating lunch, I did the test. I came out and cried with Kylan for a few minutes. And then I called Rob---and well no I did not tell him. I tried to feel him out on when he was going to be home. I needed a little more time to adjust to the idea before I told him.

This may sound bad, my sadness over being pregnant--but you really need to think things through. When it actually happens--it is permanent, there is no going back. Am I happy I am pregnant-Absolutely! (the same for Kylan). But at the same time I need to mourn my loss--because there is some loss when you have a child. It is like moving. YOu are excited about moving, yet sad to leave your old home behind--but you know the move is all for the better.


Same with a kid. Now there is even less freedom, more commitment--not only for myself, but for Rob and Kylan. And then you start to wonder, can I really still give Ky all the attention he needs with a new baby. How am I going to have enough time for both? Will I now miss special moments with Kylan? Will Rob and I ever sleep again? Are Rob and I still going to have enough time for each other? Then you look at all the positives.


Together with God, Rob and I have created a whole new person. God has entrusted us with this tiny life. I have someone new to love and watch grow. Ky will have a playmate--they are close enough in age that they could become best friends. And this child, like Kylan will be one of my closest companions.

I told Rob that night---I told him at our dinner prayer. I prayed for us, our family, and our home, and then I prayed for the new little one's health (watching Rob the whole time) and said Amen. He was excited and ecstatic and a little surprised as well--since I had kept telling him I didn't think I was pregnant.

So Kylan was Robessica in utero; the new one gets to be Jessicob. I am at week 7 or so....It has been a very rough first couple of weeks. I have been very nauseous and very tired. I am having problems sleeping at night. I am falling behind on housework and projects. I was not like this with Ky --proof every pregnancy is really different. With Ky I was still teaching and felt nauseous once in a while--but I still slept well at night. Right now I am struggling to get through the day sometimes---and I have to say Ky has been great!

Sometimes I just lay on the couch and Ky will nicely play with toys or bring books to me to read. What a great kid he is. I keep telling him he is going to be a big brother---but let's be honest. The little guy has NO clue.

So at 8 weeks I got my first ultrasound of Ky. With a new HMO , I am meeting to talk with a nurse practitioner at 8 weeks to find a suitable doc. So I have no idea when I am actually going to have my first doc appointment. --BTW--so I called the clinic to tell them I was pregs---well they said the stick wasn't adequate and that I had to bring in my own urine sample for it to be tested in their lab. So here I am toting a peanut butter jar of urine into the clinic for testing--this was not my proudest moment--They have me take it to the reception desk---where I have to tell the lady (in front of other people) that I have this jar of pee that needs to be tested...Yeah---this was not the most comfortable moment of my life...


So the nurse calls back--and she sounds depressed, just down in the dumps and tells me that my test was positive. The weirdest phone call--this should be exciting! and I am like--yeah I know--and then she is almost asking me if she should congratulate me in her depressed mood....Very weird and sad experience if she feels she must be this way for all patients.

Anyway--so yeah---i don't know how this is all going to go. We are thinking of waiting to tell people until March. Perhaps a good birthday present for Rob's mom--she really enjoyed Ky as her christmas present a few years back. We will have to see how long we can conceal it.

I know i have already gained weight--which is nuts since it is so early---but i have been weighing myself. They also say you show a lot quicker the second time since your muscles aren't as tight anymore. Hopefully we make it until then. The winter will be our coverup (lots of layers.) One last thing-- due date is September 24. I honestly hope the baby is born the first day of fall--which is possible.


So yeah this also ruins or changes a few plans--sorry Becky--I don't think I will be able to play the entire season of soccer with you; and Met friends--I think an August date for the reunion would be a bit better than September. And as far as camping this summer; I really want to go--but we will have to see.